hindi ko mawari (wow)

NOTE:
i thought about making this blog full tagalog but then i realized that i couldn't. so i discontinued it in fear of it becoming conyotic. haha.
this blog may ( i said may okay?) not make any sense to you in the end. brace yourself.

sweet sixteen

okay, i turned sixteen last thursday and i discovered things i never thought actually existed. (which btw i found pretty unrealistic)

i learned that there's this thing that  if you haven't been kissed before your sixteenth birthday, it'll happen on that day. when i heard of this. a BIG laughing emoticon popped in my head! i was like hello??? first of all, i spent my birthday on a mountain! where the heck could you get an opportunity to do that? and well second of all,, there's no one i could think of! so it makes this belief less tangible! i mean like i will let go of something as "seemingly special" as a first kiss thing on my sixteenth birthday just because of this dumb belief. that's dumb.

okay, honestly, i just LOVE my birthdays! i believe that it's this special day that's for you! once a year. so yeah i pretty much put it on top of a pedestal. when september came around, i started being excited. i don't think it was the best thing to do because well,, yeah you guessed it. i didn't have an amazing birthday. why? a big HAHA! i woke up getting greetings from different people. it was nice. everything that happened that morning was okay. like it was a normal day. apparently this normal day became abnormal. not extra ordinary but abnormal. after morning classes and lunch (which btw was ick), i opened my wallet to get some money for my elective. i opened my wallet and saw nothing. how amazing! A GREAT AMOUNT OF MONEY was taken from me and of all the days for me to find out that i lost it was my birthday. i felt so dumbstruck. it was a horrible feeling. you could say that that particular happening just ruined everything.

i went to the vargas studio for photography classes. sir gerry btw was pretty nice and fixed up merienda for us. that cheered me up somehow! haha

i came back to the dorm feeling a little bit better. had dinner (which was still ick) and then went to the laundry area to have cake with my batchmates. it wasn't the party i envisioned i'll admit but i guess that's what happens when one studies in a mountain. :| after the celebration i found a cake from ate sarah which cheered me up even more. (thanks ate sarah!) my day was pretty much over. i hung outside my cottage with friends and just talked about stuff..

my mom called afterwards to greet me. at those moments i wasn't happy nor sad. again the feeling of having such a regular day came on me. it was then when my mom wished me a happy birthday even if everything wasn't going my way did my tears start pouring. i realized that i wasn't having a happy birthday afterall. my majormates were there and they probably noticed that i was crying but i guess they knew that i didn't want to open up yet. after hanging up, i couldn't take it anymore so i went in the bathroom all the while feeling really stupid wondering why i wasn't happy.

i came out and talked to clyde at her room. i ended up really hating being a teenager. okay i am a very emotional person and i hated it so badly because i never had this much angst before. at that moment i really hated the fact that teenagers' emotions just go up or down. scratch that. have absolutely no direction with absolutely no reason. it's like at this stage there are no why's nor how come's. there are just is'. is' that don't have explanations. like taoism. it just is. thinking about this while crying i hated it so much! i wanted to get out of this instability of emotions because if i were a suicidal i would've been dead by now. i hated the fact that i couldn't understand anything! i mean despite of all the surprises i had that day i still wasn't happy. the feeling that all external elements in your life seem to be going well however your heart and your mind just don't seem to agree. it was like being in limbo wherein one's punishment is living in a peaceful place but feeling extremely depressed.

I ABSOLUTELY HATED IT!

i just wasn't happy.

what made it horrible was the fact that there was no reasonable reason.

you know the usual result after crying? you feel better yes. i did.

after i felt better. i started moving on with the day. with the things i had to do.

just as i was about to hit the hay i received an unexpected call. you know i honestly don't know why but yes i did feel a whole lot better afterwards. i guess greeting through call makes all the difference in the world. you know compare it to texts. it's just different. don't ask why. i have no answer for that. i just felt good afterwards.

okay probably the closest things that happened on my birthday that were part of my fantasies were the cake, the friends? but that's it. what was weird about it was that i actually enjoyed the day after my birthday a lot  more than my birthday itself. it really was weird :))

though everything wasn't a dream come true. i realized just right now that what happened was something i needed. i didn't experience having loads of presents to open, becoming ravishingly gorgeous, throwing a massively awesome party or having whatever, a prince charming sweeping me off my feet on a day i happen to hold very close to my heart. i didn't exeperience these things because i didn't need this. these expected things are just superficial. sure, they'll be memories i could possibly cherish forever.  this rather depressing experience seperates me from those who experienced these magical things. if i experienced these things, that wouldn't make me any different from them. (i admit that i do feel bad that those things didn't happen to me. just to make that clear okay?) i learned real things. i was given the gift of reality on my birthday. reality is suffering afterall right? it's not the magical rags to riches story! i mean those stories are only there to inspire you. but what's the use of inspiration if you don't materialize it right?


sweet is just a word. sixteen is just a number. i guess it was set in the stars that i wasn't gonna have a hell of a time that day. God has his reasons and i won't bother finding out.

may life be sweet for all of us.