♥empty.

You know what, I can't tell how I feel right now.
People who know about what happened a while back ask if I'm over it and I can honestly say now that I feel much better now. Frankly, after all those times when I found myself feeling miserable and having tears endlessly falling down, one morning I suddenly realized that I was tired of crying. All the wonderings just left me drained and weak. It was at that state of emotion did I realize that he was just never worth it.

When I gave my yes, everything that happened after that was a first for me and I was nervous. I didn't know if what I did was enough or right but nonetheless, I did what I thought was right. We only saw each other once and he had to leave. It was hard but I knew all along that it would be, however, I believed that I was going to pull through. I knew that I could make things last. I was right. Everything was perfect. We talked everyday. Sure I missed him but I knew I could handle it. I had all the strength in the world to keep it going but I missed one tiny detail in my perfect little equation, him. When he left for the country we both knew the challenge was harder now. Communicating with him was tough, and suddenly our talks became less frequent. I thought that it was because we were both busy so I let it pass. It was one day when I thought that he could actually be with another girl there and get away with it. I would never find out. That night, I saw an old magazine issue on my bed. Before going to sleep I read through it and came across an article on how to survive a breakup. When I finished reading it, I wondered to myself on when that article would come in handy for me. Who would have thought that it was going to be at that night. He texted me that night and ended it. I was shocked. Tears just kept on pouring that night and the next day and I guess that so far was the lowest point in my life. I kept on asking myself why and I just couldn't believe it.

A couple of months have passed since that incident and everything is still clear in my head. So clear yet a very distant memory. A lot has happened. Weeks after our breakup I found out that all the things he told me that night were mere BS. Oh how I wished he just told me that he fell for another girl. It would've been a lot easier. I felt so stupid and worthless. Wasn't I worth an explanation? A real explanation? I couldn't understand why he spared me from the truth. Hiding her from me just made everything worse.

I feel better now, believe me. I'm over the whole thing. I mean the girl he fell in love with left him after a month too, so you could say it put a smile on my face. I said that I feel better not because of that of course! I just do because I ended up feeling thankful about the whole thing for it gave me strength and a reason to say that I don't live a perfect life as opposed to what most people think of me. It helped me become stronger too because I feel confident that in the future, when someone else comes along, I have a better idea of how to handle things now. I won't be believing every single promise he lets go of. I learned that boys can say anything and feel so strongly about it but it's still possible for him to lose those feelings. It's better to just say uh huh and not let it sink in. Believe me.

So, I seem happy right? How could I say that I don't know how I feel right now? Well, there's a simple answer to it. He was my first love. I was thirteen when I met him. I didn't like him at first but he had this certain habit of texting me and sitting beside me at every opportunity he gets. Eventually, I started liking him too. A lot. It was one day when my friend told me that I loved him. I was fourteen. Well you see, I didn't believe that love was possible for people our age. We lacked enough emotional maturity for people to regard it as serious so I never took it seriously. So I ignored what my friend told me and said that I didn't. Our little thing ended because I guess he got tired of waiting. It was only a year after did I start questioning my own theory and well, I ended up deciding that I did love him. After that realization, I knew I've missed my chance and sort of forgot about him believing that if we were meant to be together it would happen. Fast forward to another year and we found ourselves talking to each other almost every night again like what we used to do. I saw myself falling again, and that time I knew that I was gonna let him know how I felt. Opportunity came and I seized it and I couldn't have been any happier. I discovered a new feeling because of him. A different kind of love that couldn't be given by my friends or family. It felt amazing to be someone's number one. It was a kind of bliss that I knew at that moment that I couldn't get from anyone else. I gave my heart to him. That is why letting go was extremely hard because I knew I had to fight to get my heart back. It was a war only I could battle and in the end, I was able to come home with my heart, yet it wasn't complete anymore. He had it and I couldn't get it back.

I have gotten over him. I am sure of it. I no longer love him but I will always care for him. After that incident, I tried my best to forget him but then I just gave up and realized that I just couldn't forget him because he taught me a very valuable lesson. I stopped trying after that. I don't think our paths will cross anymore because he's done too much damage. He stole my heart and broke it. Here I am putting the pieces back together but it's alright because I learn a little bit more about myself everytime I put two pieces together. I learned that it was my love for myself that helped me stop loving him for I knew that I didn't deserve the pain I was feeling. I wasn't supposed to feel that way so I stopped.

I have two emotions to work with, that's why I couldn't say how I feel. I don't want to love him nor hate him because neither would help me. I guess the safest answer would be that I feel empty. Well, it's only in that department do I feel empty but let me tell you that my life is pretty full of love from God my family and friends and as far as I'm concerned right now, those are things that matter to me the most.